Winning in Life

Tags

Friendship, Life, Personal, Religion and Spirituality

A few weeks ago, I thought of writing about events that have happened to me over the last couple of months and assess if I was sort of winning at life. And I thought the introduction would be like, “Winning in life? Sadly, the opposite was what was taking place. Situations that I thought I finally had control over were apparently just a short phase of power. Now I am powerless again.”

I wasn’t really able to finish the draft because I was relapsing and felt immense melancholy. I have to divert my attention again to drinking, eating out, impulse buying, and hanging out with friends. Apparently, it was a good thing. Maybe it’s God’s way of telling me to not focus on it anymore and instead manifest better, brighter, and lighter days ahead amidst the difficulty of moving on and healing – because a few days after, life started to see the silver lining, again.

New Circle

I’ll start with this because it’s a huge factor in why I am feeling so much better. My therapist told me before that I can’t isolate myself, especially during these trying times because humans are social animals. We naturally crave that sense of belongingness. So what I did a few days after moving into my new place miles away from Davao was to look for badminton groups that I could join to play. Badminton court is my happy place so it’s kind of easier to have some sort of common connection with people I met here. Soon enough, I found this amazing, funny, down-to-earth group of people. It wasn’t long after that I felt I belonged. Despite my quiet demeanor and boring presence, which is the total opposite of who they are, I don’t feel unwanted and unwelcome.

When I was invited to attend a birthday celebration for the two of them, I would laugh on top of my lungs which I only do in front of my best friends of 18 years. That’s kind of an affirmation for me that maybe in the future when I finally warm up and open up a bit more of myself, I could have a relationship similar to my best friends. They would also invite me to a lot of simultaneous ganap they are into despite me being just a wallflower in the corner.

Right now, they were already thinking about how we were going to celebrate my birthday which is still more than a month away. How sweet?! It’s kind of a big deal for me because, for 10 years living away from family and friends, I only celebrated my birthdays by having dinner in a resto with my ex-significant other. So to know that people, whom I just met for just a few months are making the time and effort to throw a simple celebration for me is such a gesture.

Church and My Spiritual Growth

At the time when I was at my lowest, I found my way back to Him. During my isolation, I found comfort in praying and entrusting all of my heavy baggage to Him. Eventually, acceptance became easier and I felt better every day. It may sometimes be two steps forward and 1 step back but I was making positive progress. That’s when I told myself that I would never be ashamed of my faith anymore. My experience and how He heals me and answers my prayers even up to this day are my testimony of how incredible to have a Father who’s so powerful and a promise-keeper.

So the other thing that I did as soon as I moved into my new place was to find a church. What’s so amazing was that the new circle I am now a part of was also the same people who invited me to their church. It was like hitting two birds with one stone since I am in search for a badminton group and a church community I can participate. They are born-again Christians of Church of God (COG) Dasma. I have attended a few fellowships and Sunday service and they are very nurturing. It’s so refreshing and uplifting to reconnect my spiritual relationship with God and sing worship songs in a larger crowd as I used to just do my meditation and worship alone in my apartment.

Mental Health

A series of positive events happening in my life truly changed some sort of imbalances in how I think and view life in general. My self-confidence and self-esteem immensely improved in comparison to all the efforts I made over the last couple of years. The combination of being physically active and having a positive outlook on life only adds up to the boost I needed to finally put my life in order again. Days are not perfect but it is so so much better. My anxiety would sometimes kick in. However, I always try to take control of my emotions, not the other way around. As much as possible, I don’t linger on it. I try not to be affected for long by any triggers I encounter.

Travel and Photography

More than a month ago, I went to Bangkok with a friend during a time when my relapse was so bad that I couldn’t focus on work and would just cry at any triggers. That vacation helped me realize one thing. Traveling is a therapy to me. The excitement and amusement of traveling was probably a part of me that I lost over the last couple of years. It felt as if I belonged on country roads. Walking the streets of Bangkok could be tiring but I never felt this kind of arousal for quite a long time.

I used to travel a lot and alone because of my love for travel and photography. But in the recent past, it kind of became strange to me. I haven’t even touched my Nikon camera for years. Thankfully, it is still working, and had some sort of ‘reunion’ with it.

Best Friends

What can I say. These people are a heaven’s gift to me. For 18 long years, they are my constants. Through ups and downs, we were present for each other. I met them when were innocent, walked with them as we followed our north stars, and stayed with them because I am grateful that our paths never parted. With everything bad that has happened to me this year, they never left me. Instead, they helped me get through a dark time of my life. The funny thing is, despite all the pain, we always find a way to make fun of whatever I went through. I think that’s the foundation of what our friendship is about – making fun of life in whatever situation. I love them to death and having them is truly a win for me.

So, am I winning in life after a devastating year? I’d say yes. My situation now is so much better than a few months back. As long as I see progress, big or small, that’s a win for me. And I will be forever grateful for all the people who have helped me get by and get through life.

***Manifesting my best era eveeeeeerrr***

Life Lately…

Tags

life lately, new life

I am finally back home, but not home-home in Pasay. I decided to rent an apartment in GMA Cavite, just 1.5 hours away from Metro Manila. It has been about one month since I moved in, and I think I have settled quite well already. I do not have a lot of things and decorations in the apartment yet because it’s just so expensive to buy everything at once (considering that I really splurged for a couple of months already after the breakup). I only purchased a few important items like a bed, bed frame, table, cabinets, fan, AC, and dresser.

GMA is still not a fully developed city. It’s in a laid-back era, which I like because I do not want the chaotic ambiance of Manila. I appreciate that my neighborhood is quiet, and I can still see a lot of trees. Its location is kind of strategic as it is surrounded by more urbanized cities like Dasma, Binan, and San Pedro, just near the expressway going to Manila and just an hour away from the highland Tagaytay, where the weather is colder. However, in my humble opinion, Davao and Legazpi are even better places.

The first week was just difficult. It felt like I was in the wrong place, and everything was not going right for me. The ventilation in the apartment is not good, so the heat gets trapped inside, making it kind of suffocating, especially at night. As a result, I didn’t have a good sleep for a few days. Additionally, I was so confused about the roads and tollways. I even entered and exited the wrong tollgates a few times because, apparently, Waze is not helpful on more complicated roadways. It even directed me to a longer and more confusing path going home, which almost led to an accident. To make matters worse, I got caught in a traffic violation by enforcers twice in one day (!!!), which made me incredibly frustrated. In my 10 years of driving in Davao, I only had two traffic violations, so this experience was really overwhelming. I am seriously experiencing anxiety driving in the metro (up to this very moment). On top of that, my mechanic installed an excessively black tint on my car, which blinds me at night, adding to my stress of driving in an unfamiliar place. There’s a lot more, and the only thing I could do was cry and pray, hoping that the situation will change eventually.

And it did. Slowly, I was able to take control of my new life. I enrolled in a gym just a few kilometers away from my place, which helped me start taking care of my physical health. I also applied for broadband internet for my work, and to my surprise, it was installed just a day after my application, making my remote work setup much smoother. I went grocery shopping and stocked up on essentials, making my apartment feel more like a home. Changing my car tint was a simple decision, but it brought me peace of mind and improved my driving experience at night. Installing an AC made the air conditioning in my room much better, ensuring more comfortable living conditions. I found a new church in Southwoods to visit every Sunday. I also joined a badminton group because I haven’t played for almost 7 months.

These may sound like small things to others, but for me, they were significant victories. The beginning was undoubtedly challenging, but I am proud of myself for having everything in place now, on top of maintaining my daily morning routine. In the first week of my new life, when I cried, I didn’t let resentment or blame consume me. Instead, I allowed myself to release the pressure and turned to my faith in God, knowing that He would never leave my side. True to His nature, He helped me navigate through this new beginning. Now, it’s so much easier to live the day.

This also allows me to spend time with my family and friends on weekends, which I haven’t been able to do for quite a long time. Just last week, I went on a movie date with my mom, nephews, and niece. I can’t actually believe that it was our first time doing this because, whenever I was in Manila before, I didn’t want to go around with family due to finding commuting in the metro very stressful.

By the way, I brought home raw pili nuts from Legazpi, which brought back a childhood memory I wanted to relive (from the time before mobile phones and the internet became stuff for kids). Papa used to bring home bags of raw pili nuts from Sorsogon when he was younger. We would then cover each hard shell in a used cloth and hammer it carefully to get to the pili nut inside. I wanted my nephews and niece to experience this tradition as well. However, only Gab actually enjoyed the experience, although all of them seemed to like the raw pili nuts.

I also met my best friends at Ayala Manila Bay to have dinner and spend the rest of the night at Lala’s new house. As always, it was a day filled with laughter, hilarious banter, and stories of our lives lately. Surprisingly, we didn’t play ‘in-between’ (a card game), which we normally do every single time we have a sleepover at a friend’s house.

Now, it’s Friday, and I’m done with work. Unfortunately, I missed my doctor’s appointment. Currently, I’m sitting in the corner of Starbucks Southwoods, facing the glass wall, while savoring my favorite hibiscus tea with pom and writing this, all the while watching people and time pass by. I feel relaxed now. I didn’t imagine that I could adjust to this new life so fast. But then again, what’s impossible to Him?

PS: I still have to draft my Davao to Manila trip via land. I think it’s worth sharing, aside from it being so memorable, it also served as a therapy for healing in itself.

Happy 5th Birthday Saori

Tags

dog, furbaby, pet

Sorry, I wasn’t there with you. But I remember your day. I will never forget this day every single year. I hope you have atleast a cake with birthday candle on it and your favorite raw meat. I hope you were treated special today and they sang a birthday song for you. I am celebrating it too with a cheesecake.

I miss you Saori. There’s no single day that I don’t miss you. I love you and enjoy your day.