NOTE: This is my unedited spontaneous-raw-thoughts post. On this series called ‘Out’, I just wanted to write all that is running in my head. I just want it out. So please bear with all the rants and overacting emotions in either good or bad vibes… Including the grammar! :)

July 17, 2016, 11:37PM

I was lying in my bed few minutes ago only to think about how life could have been if I didn’t change anything about myself and about my life. I thought of the things I have done independently, moments I have enjoyed by myself, and memories I cherished when I went solo. But I’m happy living my days now; though there are times when I thought of how happier it could have been when everything else stays the same as before. I am trying to stay positive that the future ahead is brighter than ever. Even though the past few days are a little bit harder than before, I will keep on fighting. But I pray that I may last longer and I may hold on to my promises.

July 13, 2016, 11:04 AM

It’s been almost four months since we launched our new product for type 2 diabetes. Yet, sales seem to be a difficult task to drive. It’s very challenging and depressing, at the same time. Everybody are anxious and botheredsome. I’ve realized at this very point when people flip to negative side of themselves. They complain in every meeting we held and they complain of the same things over and over again. I am not sure if they’re doing something else to atleast help themselves deliver a better result. My only point is that I hope as a team we look forward to ideas that will help us achieve a better outcome than now. That instead of focusing our minds to complaints and shortcomings of our company, we concentrate to developing ideas that at the least will push us to deliver some goods to status quo. Complaints are only good to be heard and reported if authorities saw it valid. Although I know that those complaints are valid, however, even those at the top can’t address it at the moment. Nevertheless, our job is no easy tasks yet we are expected to do the basic of it. I just hope that we let our minds come together to create and implement strategies that will pull us up from disappointments. So far, I am doing a project that will help my territory drive more sales in the near future. I hope they do as well.

June 21, 2016, 9:27 AM

For so many months, I have been thinking of formally resigning from my post. Work doesn’t make any meaning to me anymore. I hold on because of the people that might get affected when I decided to end my contract. But this time, it feels like I am on the edge of falling to that situation. What I learned today only proves what leadership I am under – and it’s not a better one. When you blame someone for a mistake, is that being a leader? When you left your people behind under a bad situation, is that being a leader? When you take credit when it’s good and pulls off when not, is that being a leader? 

As I sat down in a hospital in my dismay and anger and almost giving-up situation, I saw this beside. Whatever the message tells me, I know it’s for good and God will never leave me alone.

June 20, 2016, 10:06 AM

Have you ever got this feeling where you are often afraid of the future? Like you are afraid of something else that you don’t really know? The what ifs and the what ifs not. The uncertainties. The unknown. The unsure. All these create a solid rock that stops you from moving forward and from the mere thought of doing it in the first place. Have you ever got that feeling and you feel it too often? 

May 24, 2016, 5:53 PM

After the JNJ Family Day yesterday, I wasn’t able to attend to work today. I just feel not fit to face the customers after what happened last night. I don’t know but I feel lost and small. Lost because I am uncertain of what I wanted to do with my life. I am so sure that I am not happy with my work right now. But I do not know where else to go. I wanted to go to places nobody has ever met me. But I can’t disconnect with my loved ones. I feel lost because it feels like I am a stranger in my own world. I do not know myself anymore, what I can and can’t do. I am lost to the talents and capabilities I once have. I feel ashamed going into the crowd knowing that I am completely different from them. I am lost because I am in a place nobody seem to care about my existence.

And it makes me feel small. Like time and space doesn’t matter at all. I feel insecure with people living a good life. I wanted mine as well but a part of me keeps holding back. It completely hurts to have told by someone that my character is a shit, like my existence doesn’t deserve to be recognized. It hurts to hear those words from someone whom I shared the entirety of my life with. But maybe it’s true because I do not see myself from other’s perspective. True or not, it pounds me to become small as I feel now.

Lord, I know you are there to guide my life. To become my light when I am in the dark. I am lost now and need your hand. I pray for your protection and your guiding light. I want my life be backed to how I started. The one who is full of passion, determination and strength to live a life. The one who is resilient to every diversity. The one who prepared himself for a better life. The one who’s ready to conquer the world. God, I want myself back. I want myself back.. :((

December 18, 2015, 8:17 AM

I don’t really know what I feel right now. The JNJ party has finally ended already. It was indeed fun! But after the party, I wasn’t able to sleep well. I don’t know why. Maybe Joel snores so loud that I can’t sleep. But something is bothering me. Or someone, I guess?

I don’t know. I am preoccupied now. I just feel that someone always wait for my move to be done before that someone do her own. There are two questions that’s running in my head since last night: Does someone actually always want me to do things first before she does it? Or Isn’t she interested at all? I don’t know. I just feel that way.

Or Am I seeking her attention too much that I long for longer time and exposure with her? I don’t know. I do not have an answer. I just feel this way like a hashtag ‘wokeuplikethis’. And it’s not okay!! I am not okay feeling like this!

The paranoia strikes again. And I know that someone will tell me that I am selfish. Am I? Okay, I am selfish. I don’t want this to cause an arguement. I admit that I am paranoid and obsess. But I hope that someone gives importance to the time I am rendering. Because, it is precious and I chose to spend it with her.