It’s two in the afternoon and I was just done with lunch. I am torn between going back to work now, rest for a while or write this new blogpost after being out for a couple of weeks. Actually, I wasn’t out literally, just became stagnant in a situation that tangles emotional stress and feeling of uncertainty to so many things. That is why I was ‘out’ writing stories in my blog until this one. Though, In fact, it was a struggle to write this one up.
I always thought of myself different from most of my age. When they talk too much, I only choose to listen. And when they always long for accompaniment, I’d rather choose to be alone. I am uncertain whether this is normal. Or should I adjust myself to cope with my age. The thing is I can’t compare myself to somebody who has the same feeling as mine that is why I became unsure of whether I am experiencing some kind of crisis or this is just an ordinary stage of ones life.
I feel lost for months – entirely about what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. I face every morning with doubts because I know I am going somewhere I do not intend to be at. I wanted to change direction and be agile about it yet, it seems doing it will eventually place myself to unknown where nobody wanted to be at in the first place.
While having these sentiments at the moment, others are okay with their lives. They seem contented with what they have. They enjoy their present state. They enjoy the moment. I am not. And I wasn’t very sure if this is still normal. I put pressure to myself moving forward fast. I wanted to achieve something else. I wanted to accomplish something not everybody seem to dream or think about. I want progress yet I do not know if I have already started the race.
Questions have been popping out like gunfires. It’s continuous, redundant and endless.
…Am I pushing myself too hard?
…Am I overthinking and overanalyzing?
…Do I make myself fool for rushing something I haven’t planned in details?
…Do I make myself fool for having no clear plans?
…Am I too cautious to try new things out?
…Am I too afraid to act on my thoughts for fear of falling and failing and be left behind?
…Am I too serious?
…Am I being myself?
And so on. Imagine almost wherever you go, these questions and a lot more always come across your mind as if a shadow that’s always on your side. That is me for several months from now. Always preoccupied and paranoid and trying so hard to deal with these questions. Yet, I have no answer because I haven’t found the genuine answer that will take me off to my dream destination and land me as well to the person whom I wanted to become.
I am lost. I want to admit that I am lost. And this is the time when I become most vulnerable. I hope those people who are with me will understand. And those who meet me along the way will not judge. I’d like to believe that while I am lost, I will find myself and eventually will find my way out to a better me and a better world.