Many of my batchmates were telling me that I belonged to a group they called “dream team”. A dream team is something like a group of students who makes the best out of their abilities and talents, that each member is good enough to create best output from certain tasks, in our case, our thesis. And whenever they tell that to me, I can’t comment or perhaps I just ‘put a smile’ on it.
Not to be sarcastic but my groupmates were really talented and skilled, I could sense. Pero hindi ko masabing it is a “dream team” because how things went on was not portraying what a “dream team” is about. But to choose whether to be part of a dream team or not, I would choose the later, if I only knew that it would ruin some kind of a relationship.
I always tell my groupmates that I do not need people to work with who are so smart and are so talented because for me, being in a team is not about being with people who do great works out of their big nuts. Lagi kong sinasabi sa kanila that I value more passionate and dedicated people. Para sa akin, there is more synergy when the whole group is of the same personality and attitude towards work.
In all honesty, hindi ko nakita sa kanila yung mga qualities na yun. But, I didn’t stop there and I didn’t judge them. I know it was a calling for me to influence somebody. And that I tried to do with all my best. I want them to become somebody who gives dedication and passion when it comes to commitment.
I thought I would be their guide to what I expected them to be later on. But life has really a lot of surprises. I felt like because of my drive to influence them becoming someone who takes commitment the right way, parang ito pa yung naging cause kung bakit hindi kami nagkakaintindihan ngayon. I gave up. Hindi ko pala kaya yung gusto kong mangyari not because I am a quitter but because I think this is the best thing to do to stop the worse things that are happening right as of this moment.
My intention was to influence them as being friends of mine to become responsible enough, dedicated and someone who knows how to respect other’s time through being punctual in all aspects while doing our thesis. Sadly, my realization was parang ako pa yung lumalabas na masama. And it’s so unfair on my part. I feel like after all the efforts, sacrifices, and hardworks which benefited not only me but they too as well, ako pa yung may kasalanan kung bakit sila naiinis at nagagalit sakin.
Before we started our thesis, we had a promise to take the best thesis award. We were so driven at that time. After the thesis, we got the highest grade among our batch. But now, however, I can’t celebrate as much as I could because I know our paper is something that wasn’t created with enjoyment and unity. It was created more of from pressure, stress and individual interest.
Some people already knew the conflict among us and based from what I heard, they were telling fellow students that it was only me who worked for it. Yes, I worked more than they do, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t work at all. But that wasn’t my issue. Hindi ko binibilang kung ano yung mga nagawa ko at ano yung mga hindi nila ginawa. It’s a matter of who knows how to appreciate. Base sa nakikita ko, they don’t give all their efforts to the project as much as I give my all to it. As part of the influencing process, gusto ko rin sana makita ng mga groupmates ko yung hardwork ko sa project to make it as an inspiration to them to work hard too. I did all the ways to make them inspired and motivated to unleash their reserved talents in them. But sadly, I wasn’t able to do that. The worst thing is, I became the other side of me.
Maybe because of frustration, I became hot-tempered and very impatient and became very vocal to them. This, maybe, is the biggest mistake I ever did to them. But the good thing here is, they follow instructions and requests more often than before. With that, narealize ko masyado ba akong naging maluwag sa kanila before kaya they were like taking for granted what I can offer to them kaya kelangan ko maghigpit to the point na takutin sila para lang gawin nila yung mga dapat na gawin nila? I know it’s very pathetic. Ayaw ko sana gawin yun pero ayaw ko rin namang ako na lang sasalo lahat ng stress and pressure ng thesis. We are group therefore we should share someone else’s burden. Kaya lang it so happen na ako lang talaga yung gumagawa ng paraan para maging maayos yung paper to achieve what we have aimed.
Sinasabi nila napaka-perfectionist kong tao. May mali ba dun if my intention was just to create a quality output and so to achieve our goal? When we got the highest grade, was I the only one who benefited from it? Am I the only one who took the pride? No it isn’t. Its the entire group benefited from it but who’s effort make it all the way?
Kaya ang sakit lang para sakin na ako pa yung lumalabas na masama. Ako pa yung sasabihan na, ‘nakakahiya kasi sayo e’ in a very sarcastic way. Ako pa yung sasabihan na ‘nakakainis ka’. Ako pa yung lumalabas na makapal mukha. This is really unfair and I don’t deserve this!
Right now, I am making up my mind to leave the group. Ayaw ko sila iwan, but if that would make them become a leader of their own I would widely give them the opportunity. Indeed, I would be the first one to be happy if I see them succeeded. I already talked to the Thesis coordinator but sadly, he rejected what I wanted to happen. But I would still try to negotiate and hopefully he grants my request.
I know the group will never be the same as before. And it would just become worse if we still continue to work with each other even we know ourselves that it won’t work out anymore. It’s just so sad that the friendship we had ruined by circumstances. We were supposedly a “dream team”. But like a party balloon, we weren’t able to fly longer above and soar higher.