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At times you feel so hopeless, you do really think that that’s the end of everything. It’s kinda hard to get back the motivation you had at the start most especially when for the 24 hours that has given to you, most of it makes you frustrated thinking that future will never be the way you expected it. It’s not easy to work on the things you thought will not happen the way you wanted it to happen. It makes you “paralyze”. And it makes you dismayed that after all the effort, you’ll end up losing in the midst of the process.

I would admit that I’m becoming so hopeless with the task given to me. I’ve been so paranoid with what will happen during the execution of our event. I always think of the worst possible result I could get during the event day. Somehow, it affected me emotionally and mentally. I’ve been so serious with everything since I thought of this job as a big problem. It affected my family and my friends. I feel like carrying the collective problem of the world.

I feel so insecure. I became incompetent. I was becoming insane. From the moment I hit bed til the time I opened my eyes, I was thinking of this project. While eating my breakfast, brushing my teeth, taking a bath, walking down the street, etc, my mind was on the event in a very negative outlook.

At times, I feel like giving up. Parang gusto kong pagsisihan itong pinasukan ko. I was given a chance to be not on that position but I insisted myself that I am capable of it. And now, I am like this to the extent na parang ayaw ko nang magpakita sa mga taong nakakakilala sa akin. I almost hated that subject.

But hey, this is not me. I realized one time, I am just a student. Just like any other students, I just wanna enjoy what is being served to me. I should be enjoying what other students have been enjoying presently. I shouldn’t be very much affected of uncertainties. I shouldn’t be looking at the negative side of the future. Ako na nga rin nagsabi di ba, be positive even if there’s only a very little thing in your situitation that can make you optimistic.

I received a text message from a friend. He said look at not on the future, but on the present. Then I realized, when will I enjoy things? When it is already done as if I can bring back the days when I was struggling to make all things right. I mean, life is very uncertain. We never know what will happen to our “planned life”. Even you reassure yourself that everything will be done according to your will, there’s still one way that will entirely ruin that “planned life”. And the only thing you could do is to adjust and let yourself win your fight.

So now, I just wanna enjoy my age. I just wanna enjoy everything, either good or not, that will come on my way. I realized that I should not be losing myself just for this crazy project. I just wanna be me as I go along this and learnย  without changing badly.

I remember one once said, to obtain peace of mind, enjoy what you are doing at every moment. When you eat, enjoy eating. Do not think of the problems you are facing. Siguro ito ang kelangan ko. My mind was so disturbed kaya kung ano-anong pangit ang pumapasok sa isip ko making me very hopeless. What I really need is peace of mind!

So there, Wish me goodluck! I just wanna surpass this challenge with a smile. And most importantly, I wanna finish this project with a lot of learning without putting me in trouble and shame. Ngiti lang! :D

Live and work but do not forget to play, to have fun in life, and really enjoy it.

-Eileen Caddy