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I attended a post-peace camp evaluation meeting with my other youth campers to discuss some questions that would probably still unanswered to us even after the peace process. It was just a short meeting though one question struck me out and now trying to answer it sincerely.

Kamusta na nga ba ako after the peace camp? of

I really can’t think of anything at that very moment. Siguro for almost a month after the camp, hindi ko pa rin alam kung ano nga bang pwede kong gawin para ma-aaply ko yung mga bagay na “narinig” ko during those times. Did I absorb everything, or atleast some, during the process? O pumasok lang sa isa kong tenga yung mga natutunan ko at that time at lumabas sa kabila at this time.

Hindi ko naman sinasabing I am no interest on that event kaya wala akong natutunan. I know myself may natutunan ako. It’s totally within me. Ayaw kong sabihing naging peaceful yung buhay ko right after it. Ingrato naman ang dating ko nun, tama? In fact, I had experienced depression the next week after the camp (Read: Get drunk and forget everything for a moment). But atleast, I have started my personal healing. And, slowly I understand kung ano ba yung mga bagay na dapat kong intindihin at maintindihan.

I came once to a point that I asked myself kung meron nga bang nabago sa sarili ko, perhaps my attitude. Admittedly, I am a judgemental person sabi ng ilan kong mga kaibigan. The good thing is (kung meron ba talaga) hindi ko yun sinasabi sa tao ng harap-harapan or even to all of my close friends ‘coz everything for me is just an impression, so I keep it myself for almost the time. I could hardly differentiate judgment from impression siguro dahil nature na ng pagkatao ko na mapuna yung mga negative sides ng tao which suddenly became a bad impression then to man’s point of view judgements.

Ngayon, from the time na natapos yung camp up to this time, tinignan ko kung yung ugali ko bang ito nagbago o mas lalo lang lumala. Sadly, I didn’t think I have changed. Lately, may kinaiinisan na naman akong classmate ko in one of my subjects just because of bad impression.

So what’s my point? Hindi ko naman sinasabing dapat nabago yung one bad attitude ko right away. At hindi ko rin sinasabing the camp was all about changing the bad attitudes of anyone. My point is, since it’s about peace and personal healing, sana natutunan ko at ng ilang participants yung importance of initiating positive image about others. It is really disturbing kapag meron kang taong ayaw makita, right? Yung tipong kumukulo agad dugo mo makita mo pa lang daliri ng paa niya o hibla ng buhok niya. It’s kinda harsh but it does happen. That is reality.

So now, it is really a challenge for me to apply this peace process. I’m kinda stupid with this writing kasi parang pinapagalitan ko sarili ko at ngayon binibigyan ko ang sarili ko ng advice para iwasan yung mga bagay na ginawa ng sarili ko. Crazy idea? Hindi naman siguro. Mahirap lang talaga gawin yung mga bagay-bagay na madali nating sabihin. Ganun naman talaga e. Kaya nga it’s a challenge for me to make up on my words. Good thing about talking and scolding yourself is the fact that you yourself know your mistake and you know that it has to be corrected.

Hindi lang naman ito yung mga bagay na bumabagabag sa sarili ko after the camp. But I wanna started it within me para alam kong ready na ako at times I have to deal with external matters. I am not putting any pressure inside of me. It’s just that I know I should have resulted to a better person. SOmeone that is practicing everything about learnings on the peace camp and someone that has to be starting a life with peace.

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