Everyone, in festive, celebrated the feast of Santo Nino. Party out there with a lot of thugs and party-goers hanged around, got drunk and crazy of everything. I was home when I heard couples blowing outside. And just remembered what mama always tells us about getting so drunk; disregarding what else around and cry your somber and anger. I got a thought.

I thought I badly need it. But I didn’t go with them though. I did it solo and enjoyed every shot of vodka in despair. I was really determined to forget everything inside of me. I can’t help but lose my mind.

I was so perturbed for a week, so until now. I wanna get drunk all hour to forget everything I am going through. I thought vacation would help me rest myself and recharge energy I have delivered for the past three months. But hell, it just made things worse and made me realize how dead I was, or maybe how I slowly dying. No helping hands at all. No one is trusted and no one actually even care.

I am so preoccupied with many things– with someone, with the ministry, with relationship, with friends (if there really are), with pressures, with responsibilities, and with all the bullshits that damned cross my life. If only I could write it here, I would tell you. But I ain’t really open with my problems, and most of the time kept it myself.

I remember a friend told me that whenever he has a problem, he just smile at it and leave everything in positive vibes. I knew it already and had been hearing for several times. I hardly tried it but no way, I turned out crying myself alone and was about to yell all negative feelings inside. I wanted these out but sticked hardly like a leech enjoying sucking my blood to death. I wanna stop these craziness and all. I want peace of mind. Or maybe I wanna die!

Tomorrow will be the start of our classes and I shouldn’t start it with this emotional mind. But, I’m pretty sure it would be imposible to happen. I am preoccupied of so many things and uncertain of when this would last. For now, I want more alcohol. I wanna bring it with me anywhere I go, and get drunk like hadn’t been done it for century. With it, I know for a moment, I could manage not to ponder on everything but temporary delight and satisfaction.