A long-time friend has sent me a message in my Facebook account just by now. She said she misses me a lot. Well I have missed her too and all of my high school friends. The message actually asked something. Did I change a lot? Nagulat lang ako when according to her, she noticed na hindi na ako nagpaparamdam sa kanila. I immediately replied that maybe she’s just missing me so much! But behind that, tinanong ko rin sarili ko if I do really change.
The past days, I’ve been noticing my routines being different from what I supposed to be doing, though I chose these decisions to make myself busy. I just felt growing while busy doing school and academic activities and more. KKB, Student Council and Volunteering helped me with this goal. That said, natanong ko rin sarili ko kung growing ba talaga ang hinahanap ko?
When I entered college, I knew no one! It is really a different culture, new environment, different people, etc. I started from scratch. Kelangan ko ulit maghanap ng mga bagong kaibigan at makakilala ng mga taong pwedeng kong samahan. But I failed for the first year. Though outside school, I still live my own. I’m certified loner and introvert! Pero lahat naman kelangan ng kaibigan or at least kasama in every day. So I guess I deserve to have even one.
And it wasn’t denied to me. Nakilala ko ang KKB that really cares for brotherhood. I get to involve with the activities in and outside school. We usually closes the school for some goings and eventually went home late. And at least for a day, I’ve spent time bonding with them. Symbolically, it really requires time. Plus Student Council projects and CSA meetings. They fill up my time. Though hindi ko naman sinasabing nagsisisi ako being with them. Katulad ng sinabi ko, I love getting busy!
Because of that, hindi ko man lang makamusta mga kaibigan ko outside the college most especially her. Palagi na lang siya ang nangangamusta sa’kin and my answers are always okay, i’m good! I just realized hindi ko pa pala siya nakakamusta because I was driven to ask her all alone and because I misses her. And sometimes hindi pa ako nagrereply sa text niya whenever she sends me a message.
With that message, I also replied her that I have to focus on my studies since each time, subjects get more difficult yet more helpful to my career path. Lalo pa’t hindi ko gusto yung course ko, I must really strive harder and exert more effort para maintindihan ko yung lessons at maapply ko in the coming years. I don’t wanna end up upset and sorry dahil hindi ako makahanap ng trabaho, hindi ako nakapag-put up ng sarili kong business at hindi ko nakuha ang gusto ko. That is why instead of hanging out with them, I better choose facing my books and notes and act like crazy for the future.
Ito pala yung epekto ng paghahanap ko ng kasama. And is it right to sacrifice them for selfish growth? Sometimes, I have to say yes. Though i’m not giving them up totally. I just need space to welcome some opportunities. Yun nga lang they knew me in a different view. Maybe they are not just comfortable seeing me like this. Kahit ako naninibago. :(
Tawa lang ako ng tawa before. Ako ang joker ng classroom. Ako lagi pasimuno ng kalokohan. My day wasn’t complete if I didn’t crack a single joke or even open my mouth to laugh. Kung hindi man ako ang nagsisimula ng ingay, nakikisalo ako para lalong umingay. But now, I really miss laughing so hard. It’s not because I have no one to laugh with but nowadays, there’s a lot of thoughts stacked on my mind and finds a little time escaping this things. I’m not being so serious in life. It’s just that I know there’s time to make everything serious and when is not.
From being busy nowadays, I was really happy-go-lucky high school student. I don’t review much, read much, care much, etc. All I know was that I have a life that needs to be consumed wholly. From being super pasaway, I never realized ending up struggling like this. I have plans that hasn’t given chance to fulfill or even given concern to check. But since I’m already here, there’s no other choice than do what is being asked.
College really took and taking away my social life. Mahirap talaga kapag you are not in to what you really want. At times, hindi lang double effort ang dapat mong ibigay. It’s more proper to give up things you’re already been used to. Wala ka namang magawa kasi malaki yung nakasalalay dito, right? Kaya kahit mahirap, you have no choice but to cope up.
Lastly, going back to my friend’s remark about me changing, I wanna say I am not. I am still who I am. But with what I just realized, I could hardly say I have changed, in different sense badly! :((