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     I have thought of so many times to whether or not write something about this in me. But I don’t have the courage to tell it to everybody maybe because of the criticisms I would receive or the judgment that people might throw towards me. Pero pakapalan na ng mukha. Who are they, anyway?

     I have been spending my life here on Earth for about 18 years but from early childhood, I doubt that God really exist. Lalo na nung nagteenager ako dahil sa mga perspective na napupulot ko sa mga tao at sa mga tao na ring nakikilala ko.

     I guess I don’t have a reason para hindi paniwalaan yun. Talo ko pa nga ang mga taong binugbog ng problema sa buhay e. Mga taong namatayan sa lumubog na barko o kaya binitay sa ibang bansa o kaya nasunog ang isang kamag-anak o kaya kinain ng lupa dahil sa lindol o kaya nalunod sa baha dahil sa malakas na bagyo. He really did nothing dreadful to my life and to my family either to not believe in Him. Masyado lang sigurong scientific ang utak ko para mag-isip ng something not proven (?)

     Honestly, I do not pray! Whenever we start the class with a prayer, I just go with them. Nagsa-sign of the cross (as a tradition) ako pero hindi ako nakikipag-usap sa Kanya. Ang wierd ko no! The worse is pagwala akong kasama. Kung hindi pa kasi iinitiate yun ng mga tao sa paligid ko hindi ko gagawin yun. Waste of time kung baga. (i’m becoming mean!)

     I remember the last time, my prof told us about her faith to God before and after. Sabi niya hindi siya believer ni God dati. But she has this enthusiasm to prove to herself that He really does exist. So she decided to attend religious gatherings, Holy Mass, etc. And that ensued to reliance, devotion, faith! So sabi niya instead of closing your mind to Him why not seek for Him although alam mo sa sarili mo na hindi mo siya pinaniniwalaan. E since matigas ang ulo ko, hindi ko pinaniwalaan ang teacher ko. Lokohin niyo lelang niyo. He really didn’t exist, period!

     When I was highschool, I also tried to seek after Him. (Meron naman talagang willingness sa sarili ko para maniwala e. And somehow I envy those people who has faith to Him.) Me and my friends joined a religious group in our school which soon we learned that hindi lang pala siya sa school namin but all over the world. They called it MHCC (Mary Help of Christian Crusade). Kahit papaano sineryoso ko naman yun. Although every after fellowship bumabalik ang demon-like creature sa katawan ko. I remember the time whenever we were asked to attend vigil. Iaaproach pa lang ako ng mga kaibigan ko, alam na nila ang sagot ko. It’s a big NO! Ayaw ko kayo na lang.

     And every Sunday we have an assembly in Makati NEAR GLORIETTA. Ako ang B.I ng grupo. One time papunta kami dun with our teachers. Sabi nung dalawang teacher namin e pupunta muna sila sa glorietta. After nilang mawala sa paningin KO, I encouraged my friends na mag-glorietta din at babalik na lang kami bago magstart yung assembly. Fortunately, nabrain-wash ko ang mga utak nila. We went to glorietta and everytime we saw our teachers dali-dali kaming tumatakbo as if a killer was hunting us. Malapit na magstart yung asembly at medyo tinatamad na kami so instead of attending the assembly we decided to went home. Buti na lang nakita kami nung mga techers namin kaya hindi natuloy ang binabalak namin! HAHAHA.

     Ganyan ako kalala (there’s more pero too private). Ganyan ko katindi kung tanggihan si God. I don’t know what He did to me to not accept Him in my life, the life that He truly has given to me. Minsan tuloy naiisip ko kelangan ko pa bang hintaying saniban ako ng demonyo para maniwala lang sa kanya. Parang yung mga palabas na napapanood ko sa TV na dahil hindi sila naniniwala that God really exist, sinasaniban sila ng mga bad spirits. But despite of it, hindi pa rin ako natatakot sa mga ganung bagay kaya mas lalong hindi ako naniniwala sa Kanya.

     Siguro my reason (which I guess was the reason too of many) was hindi ko maiwan ang mga kalokohan ko. Or hindi ko maiwasang gumawa ng mga bagay na mali kahit alam ko namang mali. One time I confessed to a priest all of my sins for the past few years and after it sabi niya wag ko na raw gagawin yung mga yun. E sakto pagkalabas ko pa lang ng confession room nakagawa na ako agad ng kasalanan. How will I stand on it? Kung ang mga simpleng bagay e hindi ko maiwasan. Paano ko pa sasabihing ayaw ko gumawa ng kasalan kung alam kong in every second there’s a chance para makagawa ako ng kasalanan. At paano ako haharap sa pari kung ang mga bagay na icoconfess ko ay ang mga bagay na sinabi ko rin sa kanya before?

     Hindi ko alam kung anong mangyayari sa akin sa ginagawa ko. But I am hoping that at this time, I could be able to let myself believe in Him and render the rest of my life for Him. I do know that I am the only one who could help myself a lot. Alam ko namang someday magagawa ko rin. It’s just that there’s a part of me that cover up my entire conviction.

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